The Right-Wing Guide on How to Argue with Liberals on Twitter: 2013 Edition

Author's note: This guide has been updated for the faster, shinier albeit slightly more apathetic Right-Wing movement of 2013.

Many patriots wonder how they can best serve their country. I have two words for you. Attack liberals. How do you find liberals to attack?

The easiest way is to piggy-back someone else's conversation. If you see another Right-Wing Patriot in a debate with a liberal, put yourself in their shoes; they're obviously struggling. Jump in, attack their opponent with a short, unrelated insult and, then quickly - jump away! You'll be helping a fellow conservative plus, you'll look cool!

Now, if you get involved in a debate, it *can* be hard to remember all of the important elements involved in arguing with a liberal, but here is a handy checklist to make sure you've included all of the pieces essential to maintaining the purity of the Right-Wing brand.

1. Whatever FOX says, you say. When in doubt, toss out a Drudge headline or quote any conservative talking head you watch or hear in any form of media. It doesn't matter who they are; they will all be saying the same thing.
2. Incorporate the #fox, #tcot, #tlot or #ocra hashtag in every tweet, because by calling forth other Patriots to also attack your opponent, you'll never have to give a real answer for anything.
3. If a liberal asks you to prove any claim you have made is a fact by providing a source for the info, always respond: "Do your own research!!" or "I'm not going to do your research for you." That way, you don't have to do any research.
4. If you feel you must send them a source link, make sure you only offer links from Drudge, The Blaze or other right-wing blogs or op-ed pieces. It doesn't matter if you've read them.
5. It is also helpful to have a ready list of links on-hand that are completely unrelated to the topic of discussion to flood your opponent's @replies with. Again, it doesn't matter if you've read them.
6. If you're unsure about how to start a tweet, try "Why do liberals hate gay/black/poor people?" That should get your creative juices flowing. 
7. Whenever you mention Obama, make sure you cleverly alter his name into something insulting, such as the easy-to-remember 'Obummer'. Or if you really want to get the debate moving, just refer to him as 'the most radical President in American history'. The liberals will go crazy sending you all kinds of links with numbers and facts. Don't worry; no one expects you to read them.
8. All of your tweets (whether you are in a debate or not) should contain at least one insulting name for liberals. Libtard is a favorite, but it is getting a bit less effective from constant overuse. I suggest the more modern twist, Libturd.
9. Stay away from facts. Facts are only opinions reinforced by truth.
10. If a Liberal has insulted you (especially using large, hard to understand words), don't panic. Simply tweet back their own words as though they were your own. That way, you don't actually have to come up with anything clever to say.
11. Never answer a question. The best way to counter the left's expectation for meaningful dialogue is to ask them an unrelated question in return, such as "Why do you like to kill unborn babies?"
12. Make sure each of your tweets is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. After all, you wouldn't want anyone to be able to accuse you of being one of the "intellectual elite".
13. Each of your tweets should include one of the RWNJ signature terms - commie, Marxist, socialist, or Nazi. You may use them interchangeably to keep things fresh. To keep up on the latest trend, trying using "Caliphate" or "sharia law".
14. If you're a conservative male arguing with a liberal female, make sure you call her several misogynistic names to make sure she understand that you're a REAL man and then, tell her she's pretty or mention how great her ass looks. The ladies all enjoy compliments.
15. Whenever a libturd (see how I slipped that in there?) presents you with facts, you will most likely be tempted to turn tail and retreat, but don't panic. Simply toss out any one of the many variations of this phrase: "That must be some good Kool-aid you're drinking." Be creative with it. Maybe ask them what flavor of Kool-aid it is. Advanced technique: Suggest a possible flavor for them but, make sure it's a liberal sounding one like Black Cherry or Piña-Pineapple. The important thing is to include the word "Kool-aid". I'm pretty sure Hannity said they pay the tea party every time we use it.
16. If they happen to bring up GW Bush, tell them they need to stop living in the past. Then, tell them President Lincoln freed the slaves and make sure they know he was a Republican.
17. Mention the most trendy new "scandal" word like Benghazi or PRISM. But, if you get flustered and forget what's hot right now you can always fall back on the old reliables: Obamacare, Soros or Alinsky.
18. Be subtle with your racism. Insist you don't like the President because of his policies and then, RT a picture of him as a monkey. Then, when the liberals call you a racist, turn it around on them. Tell them at *they* are, in fact, the racists because they keep black people down by helping them. They will be left speechless.
19. Sprinkle the terms "Patriot," "Constitution," "liberty" and "freedom" here and there to constantly remind others that you're a real American, even when you're not acting like one.

What's most important to remember is that as a right-winger, you have an image to uphold and a duty to build yourself up by putting others down. For freedom.